5 minutes
by Sky Blue Angel
Summary: If Quatre is an empath, how could he possibly cope with everyone's pain? A poem for 04's POV about the war and after the war and coping with his space heart. GW is not mine. 1x2, 3x5, 3x4x5, yaoi Editted to make the poem more legible. I hope.


I don't sleep  
I don't sleep  
Not now, not here  
Not anymore  
How can you sleep?  
More than five minutes  
With all their loneliness  
And their sadness  
Their everything  
In me  
Around me  
Filling me  
Beyond what I  
Can think  
Five minutes, eyes closed  
Sleep for a moment  
And wake to them  
To them  
To _them_  
Their thoughts  
And their fears  
How can _I_ sleep  
How can I sleep?  
How can I _sleep_?

Five minutes asleep  
Eyes open  
Sitting next to the door  
Waiting, waiting  
Their mission  
My mission  
I can feel them now  
Always, now  
They're there  
Standing  
Waiting  
Lonely  
Alone  
How can I rest  
Their thoughts  
Are mine  
Five minutes, five minutes  
That's all I can sleep

I can feel them, see them  
See a fire  
See a gun  
See a goddess  
See a circus  
They shimmer, glimmer  
Glint in distant memory  
A church  
A dog  
A wife  
A nothing  
So much nothing  
I want to scream  
I want to sleep.  
Please, let me sleep  
Five minutes, five minutes  
I want to close my eyes  
Without seeing  
Without knowing  
Loneliness  
Hurt  
Pain  
Fear  
_Fear_  
What can I do?

At night  
They sleep  
They dream  
And I see their dreams  
Behind my open eyes  
I can't sleep  
Nightmares, nightmares  
They all have nightmare  
Screams and fires  
And death and pain  
Loneliness and fear  
And dying bodies  
The only respite is morning  
Sun wakes them  
From unrestful slumber  
And I steal five minutes  
Five minutes of sleep

How can I do this  
Walk, live, eat, breathe  
Fight  
Everyday  
We all do  
Don't we  
Fight, live, die, scream  
They're so lonely  
I'm so lonely  
Five of us sit together  
Silent  
Still  
Staying  
But none of us  
See each other  
Not the way  
We need to see  
We're not together  
We're just here  
I'm so tired  
They're all so afraid  
And they don't even  
Know they are.

My eyes won't stay open  
Not now, not here  
Not when it's so cold  
And they're all warm  
Inside, I left them…  
Walked out  
I had to, had to  
Had to…  
How could I stay  
With them  
With the loneliness  
The fear  
The hatred  
The ignorance.  
They don't know.  
They don't know at all  
Masks can't hide  
From x-ray vision  
And my heart  
Pierces every metal  
Every thought  
How can I sleep  
Hiding behind all  
Those masks?

But it's rarely all of us  
And so often it's just me  
And someone else  
I know who dreams  
And who aches  
Who fears so badly  
And who only wants  
I hold their fears  
In my heart  
And all their nightmares  
Are captured in my dreams  
I sleep no sleep  
Save five minutes, five minutes  
Of eyes open  
And nightmares  
That I never lived  
Or ever knew  
But will never forget

I wondered why  
Some of the loneliness  
Had seeped away  
Until I saw their hands  
Flash together  
Just for a moment, touch  
And his hair swayed  
His eyes never left the ends  
But I slept that night  
Like I'd never slept before  
And I was wrapped up  
In their safety  
For an hour  
Or two  
Before the loneliness  
The other loneliness  
Found me again  
And woke me  
To nightmares  
To screams  
To blood and pain  
And gore and silence  
But no more puppies  
No more fires  
No churches  
And no more guns

I thought the loneliness  
Had truly eased  
But now the pangs  
Are worse, are worse  
Everyday  
We won, didn't we?  
No more fighting  
No more blood  
No more pain  
No more…  
But this is mine  
My loneliness  
How did it come?  
When did I miss  
That it was me  
Beneath their masks  
I made my own  
A metal shield of them  
Denying my own fears  
My own needs  
Because they were there  
And they needed so much  
How could I deny?  
How could I be anything?  
Unless I took their pain  
And could still smile.

Sometimes they say  
"You've changed"  
That I don't smile  
Or that I don't laugh  
But I still try to  
Over my pain, not theirs  
How is it worse  
When only one person hurts?  
I don't have nightmares  
About circuses  
Or goddess  
Or churches  
Or puppies.  
I dream of  
Pain  
Fear  
Loneliness  
Blood  
And I dream of  
Fireworks  
Explosions  
Space  
Loss  
So much loss  
How much did we lose?  
Just so we could win  
How much could we afford  
To lose?  
And how much  
Did we really win?

I snatch sleep  
Eyes open  
Five minutes here  
Ten there  
All alone  
How do  
They do it?  
Sleep all  
Night long  
Sleep  
Sleep  
I want…  
To sleep

I wake to him  
Not really wake, no  
But blink and suddenly  
Suddenly he's there  
Standing over me  
The same as always  
As always…  
There's someone in the doorway  
And I catch a glimpse of  
A goddess and nothingness  
Of schools and circuses  
I close my eyes against it  
How did they find peace?  
Where did they look?  
When did their pain  
Go so far away?  
And when did they  
Find the time to break their masks?  
When did I make a mask  
Out of their broken pieces?

He isn't leaving yet  
Even though I'm just laying here  
Staring up at them  
Like I can't even see  
That they're still there  
How could I miss it?  
But I don't want to see  
Not right now.  
Why did they find each other?  
What did they see there  
That no one saw in me?  
Why am I the one laying here  
Laying all alone  
Surrounded now  
They're both in the room  
I've closed my eyes  
It's so dark in here  
I'm so used to being alone  
Why are they still standing there?  
I haven't spoken  
I haven't moved  
I can't move, I can't…  
I just want five minutes  
I just want to sleep  
For five minutes  
Please?

And then the bed sags  
Beneath their weight  
Equal weights  
One on either side  
And their hands find mine  
Beneath the quilt  
Long fingers  
Musician's fingers  
Scholar's callous  
And my fingers  
My soft fingers  
Held in their grasp  
What can I do?  
What did I do?  
To deserve this, all of this  
As they lay down  
Take up the sides  
Two arms thrown across me  
Cover my chest, outside the blanket  
They hold me to them  
And I hear them whisper  
"You don't have to hurt"  
"You can sleep"  
"We'll keep it all at bay"

And my eyes close.  
My eyes close.  
Five minutes…  
Five more minutes…  
Maybe this time  
I won't mind waking up.


End file.
